Stress can have a profound impact on our lives and our emotional systems. As humans we have a failsafe system of pushing down emotions to practically get through the crisis period. This can be useful in that it allows us to do the practical things that we need to do, and to sort out all of the life administration that we need to.
However, it is important to recognise that while it can be useful to press pause on our feelings, it is not healthy or helpful long term. This is because all of these emotions and feelings will, at some point, end up having to come out and be processed in some way. If we don’t recognise the need to feel our feelings, we may find that they manifest in other ways later – for example mental, emotional and physical health problems. Sadness or trauma from long ago may manifest as anger, sadness or anxiety in the future.
There are lots of conversations about resilience, but we must not mix this up with ignoring how we feel and just carrying on anyway. Part of resilience is to give ourselves the right support and to ask for the right support. Part of resilience is also about recognising that we need to feel our feelings and process them.
So if you have been through challenge, trauma or stress, how can you ensure you process these in a healthy way?
Change your expectations
Often, our expectations of when and how we should have recovered from trauma are harsher and less realistic than actually they need to be. You are not a machine that can reset or reboot overnight. You may experience the emotional fall-out or feelings of that trauma many months or even years later. You may also find that events trigger those feelings, and you don’t even know why. It may catch you completely unaware and if it does, then don’t judge yourself for that – treat yourself with kindness and patience instead. There may also be days when you wake up and feel those echoes of that trauma – again, treat yourself kindly. The worst thing you can do is tell yourself that you shouldn’t feel a certain way.
Be patient
We have become accustomed to expecting everything to be done quickly and that we can find an instant solution to all problems or experiences straight away. However, we need to know that our emotional systems cannot be treated like ordering a take-away. We need to recognise that we need to treat our emotional systems like a slow cooker – something that needs to be given time to process. Healing from trauma can take months or years and sometimes leaves an imprint, but having a patient and realistic approach is one of the most important things we can do.
See how feelings manifest
Sometimes we don’t always burst into tears, or feel our anxiety, rather our feelings can manifest in other less obvious ways. Take time to notice this. It may be that you have developed certain avoidance tactics, or specific behaviours in relationships that are embedded in past experiences. These responses may be hindering rather than helping you. Maybe you are overdependent, or on the opposite end of the spectrum keeping you isolated because you are scared of being open or vulnerable. What adaptive behaviours have you developed in order to try and keep yourself emotionally “safe”? And can you, with the right support, start to slowly step out of them into new healthier patterns?
Life will always present us with challenges, and the more we can start to develop tools and strategies to deal with this, the more effectively we can overcome trauma and live life fully.