SEX FILES: Missed relationship milestones impact mental health

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If you’ve ever experienced a wave of depression after seeing yet another friend’s engagement photos on Instagram or wondered wistfully “when will it ever be my turn?” as you watch your friends get married, have children and buy property – you’re not alone.

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A new study suggests that Canadians are missing certain relationship milestones and it’s having a negative impact on our mental health.

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The study which was commissioned by Shift Collab in collaboration with the Angus Reid Forum looked at the connection between societal expectations, missed milestones and mental health, and found that 59% of single Canadians have suffered from a decline in mental health due to their relationship status, past or present. Additonally, 60% of young Canadians aged 18-34 have felt isolated due to being single while almost everyone else was in a relationship.

While there have been some noticeable societal shifts in the past few years as people redefine what it means to live a fulfilled life, the societal pressure to get married and have children still looms large. In fact, the study reveals that over a third of unmarried Canadians (36%) feel internal pressure to get married. “Among those who feel this pressure, societal norms (29%) and a desire to get married before having children (24 per cent) are the biggest drivers,” says psychotherapist Megan Rafuse, CEO and Co-Founder of Shift Collab.

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“We’ve all experienced some form of internal pressure – whether to get a promotion within a certain timeline, or own our first car. We all have a vision for what we hope our life will look like, and at what age and stage we plan to accomplish each life milestone. If we miss these self-imposed goals or ideals, we actually grieve for what could have been as compared to what is. It can be really tough for people to deal with missing milestones, as it’s an ambiguous loss and requires recalibrating our goals moving forward,” says Rafuse.

The pandemic has also disrupted and reshaped our perspectives on relationship milestones; leaving many of us feeling “stalled.” As Rafuse explains, “I experienced this firsthand as I had to reschedule my wedding three times during the pandemic, and also gave birth to my first child in Hamilton at a time during the pandemic when we were encouraged to stay at home. The grief I experienced early in the pandemic around my wedding, and then later in the pandemic around motherhood really impacted my own mental health. I had to rethink what it meant to achieve life milestones in a so-called “order.”

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The ubiquity of social media doesn’t help. Close to a third of single Canadians agreed that seeing other people celebrate marriage on social media contributes to being disappointed about their own relationship status. Rafuse isn’t surprised. “Thanks to social media, “keeping up with the Jones’” now includes getting a front row view into our friends, and complete strangers, relationship, home, parenting happenings and more – the list is endless! When we scroll through social media, what we see are not real depictions of people’s lives, but rather carefully curated images meant to market to us or shape our perceptions of their status,” says Rafuse. This can leave us feeling like we’re behind, even when we’re not.

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If you are single and are grieving where you thought you’d be at this point in their life, Rafuse says it’s important to allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling. Next, she suggests, “practice challenging any negative self-talk around your self-worth, or worthiness, and instead focus on leaning on connection within your friendships and community.”

Even if your relationship status is making you feel isolated, Rafuse points out, “Evidence says that you are likely not the last single person on earth, that you have met many life milestones in your past, and it is a great time to challenge any all-or-nothing thinking traps that might keep you stuck in that narrative!” If you need support with this, a therapist can help.

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It can also be beneficial to think about what you want from a romantic relationship. “Chances are, you can find these things in other relationships, whether it be in the form of quality time or emotional support,” says Rafuse. As she reminds us, humans are wired for connection. “Healthy relationships of any kind can improve your mental wellness. So get out and get socializing!” says Rafuse.

Lastly, remember that you get to make the rules. Stop measuring yourself by someone else’s yardstick. Instead, Rafuse says, “recognize that it is important to have milestones in your life, but only you get to determine when that timeline works for you, not arbitrary age limits.”

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