You are caring for aging parents and your children and holding down a full-time job. Managing your family, their needs, your needs – it’s all pretty tough and at some times, overwhelming. There are moments when you think, “As soon as ‘this’ or ‘that’ happens, I’ll be fine…” But then, another crisis or demand for your energy and focus arises.
A Pew Research Report said that more than half of all Americans in their 40s are “sandwiched” between an aging parent and their children. This scenario has been exacerbated by older people living longer and younger people struggling to gain their financial independence in a world of uncertainty and rising costs.
Multigenerational households of this nature can be extremely stressful, depending on your role. Yet, more adults who are sandwiched in this situation report more satisfaction with family life than those who are not. This difference is particularly distinctive among those in their 40s: About half of sandwiched adults in this age group (49%) say they are very satisfied with their family life, compared with 38% of other adults in the same age group.
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If you are in this situation, how do you capitalize on the rewards and minimize the stress that comes with being in a caregiving role, both emotionally and financially?
Care for yourself first.
— Carve out time for yourself. Make sure to schedule space for something that nourishes you – a hobby, time with friends, or a quick shopping trip. What gives you that feeling of having done something for yourself? Do that.
— Get exercise. The correlation between exercise and well-being cannot be dismissed – physical, mental and emotional benefits all come from this. Identify what kind of exercise works for you and schedule this.
— Take a quick break. Five minutes outside with a cup of coffee or a quick breathing meditation to bring calm and focus – these are necessary for all of us. When you are caregiving, the need becomes even greater.
— Know your limits. Managing “the sandwich” requires mental, physical, and emotional stamina. This requires knowing yourself well so that you get out in front of exhaustion and burnout.
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Are you in tune with yourself so that you recognize when your emotions start to vacillate? Can you tell when you are starting to become tired? These are questions that may seem, on the surface, rather elementary. Yet caregivers can often discount the warning signs that ignite the cycle of stress and fatigue.
Being busy requires energy, and when a caregiver’s life is not balanced, the adrenaline that keeps the body and brain going can also wear them out. Make sure that you know your own warning signs, such as feeling on edge, noticing that your decisions are not as sharp, and other indicators that tell you to slow down and regroup.
Keep a pulse on the changing needs of your family.
Your aging parents’ needs will shift and change, and so will those of your children. What works today may not work tomorrow. One example may be your parent – if balance or cognition begins to slip, this means stopping to assess what might need to shift in their needs. Too often, we continue to insist on what has worked in the past, and become frustrated when this no longer meets what is required.
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And what about your kids? As the elderly soften in their abilities to care for themselves, children mature and strengthen – as long as you allow the space for that. Are you doing things for your kids that they can do for themselves? They may even be able to cook, do laundry, and other things you have assumed in your own responsibilities. Assess regularly to see what you need – and can – shift and change in your own caregiving.
Ask for help. Don’t wait for someone to offer help – ask for support. And when someone offers help, consider taking it. Too often, caregivers isolate themselves as they burrow down in the groove of “what works.”
Make sure you nurture your own friendships while supporting each other by sharing your story and being there for theirs. Remember to also ask your physician for resources and do your own research. There are many fine support groups and other organizations that can be there for you in different ways.
Celebrate the good things.
As a past caregiver myself, I recognize we can get so busy as to miss capitalizing and being grateful for the good moments – the laughter, the privilege of being together to share in celebrations, victories, wins – large and small.
My parents would actively engage my kids in conversation, and my kids would turn to them for advice and to hear stories of how we grew up.
We were blessed to be able to sit around the table together at many birthdays and holidays throughout the years, giving thanks for each other, and, despite the trials that come with shifting health and a volatile world, being grateful for the good stuff – and above all, each other.
If you are running a “sandwich” household, remember that your household will continue to shift and change. Your ability to do so by morphing the dynamics in a way that is meaningful and supportive of you and others will make all the difference to your current experience and the memories you hold of this time in the future.
Patti Cotton serves as a thought partner to CEOs and their teams to help manage complexity and change. Contact her via email at Patti@PattiCotton.com.
